Ladies and gentlemen, American citizens...

Tonight I stand before God, the cameras and the American people - accused of an inappropriate relationship with Miss Monica Lewinsky - It certainly was inappropriate - I got caught..

But what really went on? I think you have the right to know.

The whole business has taken its toll upon my home life. My wife - whateverernameis - put a stop to my porno mags. - except this one - (hold up White House). I buy this on the Congress Library budget - (smile) It gets put down to Current Affairs.

(I bet you folks in England thought it was named after Mary Whitehouse)

When it comes to scandal I'm no stranger

- when I was involved in an inappropriate relationship with Gennifer Flowers - and by inappropriate - I nearly get caught. I sent her a message "Sex lessons tonight". Only my wife -- whateverernameis - found it - and I had to assure her that my handwriting really said SAX lessons - which explains why to keep up appearance I've had to do all that saxophone jazz ever since. In fact it's a good thing I didn't do the Blues, otherwise some smartass would claim that would harm-Monica. (aside, Wossat Mr Producer? Can we skip the mouth organ jokes?)

- even so some folks make out I caught a sexually transmissible disease - they must have the brains of Dan Quayle - will you tell them folks that 'Presidential AIDS' are in fact my advisers?

- Then there was more scandal back in Arkansas when the police wanted to talk to one of my financial advisers - they found him dead in my office. Dead from 32 gunshot wounds - I told 'em it was the worst case of suicide I'd ever seen.

Now, you folks in England sure know about scandals, y'know Ceee-cil Parkinson & the like...

I heard about one way back in Ox-ford in my good ole draft dodgin days

Rumor had it that the young Prince Edward VII was involved with the actress Lily Langtree. Buckingham Palace made their denial.

The Sunday Times headline read "Nothin between the Prince & Mrs Langtree"

Then came the mind blowin revelations. Nothin between em? (doubt)

Next Sunday's headlines - "Not ev-en a sheet"

The truth will out - and there can be no white-wash at the White House

The reason I decided to address the nation was because I could not put my wife - whateverernameis - and our daughter through the pain and indignity of my attending an ID parade. And by that I don't mean a normal ID parade. I mean one where they'd get Miss Lewinsky to pick out the Whodunit, not by the face, but by some other part of the anatomy..... (pause for laughs).

You might ask - does my John Thomas have any distinguishing marks? Like being attached to a President...perhaps?. (pause for laughs).

So here I stand. .... what did go on? (Look down) I give you the truth as never told before: (gulps!)

I'm sorry, I'll read that again - I give you the truth told as never before

Miss Lewinsky and I developed a close business relationship, and we ended up working long hours together. It was at that point that my wife - whateverernameis - First Lady or something - got suspicious. When a man doesn't come home at night, his wife kinda wonders how his appetite gets satisfied. (pause...) And that's just talkin' bout food.

Now my wife - whateverernameis - is the most politically correct First Lady the White House has ever seen.

She says "Bill, I don't mind if you have another woman, but I sure do draw the line at you eating meat" - Yore, she's a true-blue veg-getarian.

Now one night at the office, I had round my showbiz friends and we were partying. I'd sent out Miss Lewinsky for refreshments. Without her supervision, some of my visitors reached out for a reefer, and as I was taking a long phone call, the air became sickly sweet with hash.

I didn't smoke but I sure did inhale - and by the time my phone call ended, I was feeling migh-ty hi-i-i-i-igh !!!.

I came back to find the visitors gone, and Miss Lewinsky back from the diner. I reached out for my Chilli con Carne, at which point she did declare:

"Mr President, if you don't give me the night of my life tonite, I'll tell your wife you've been eating meat".

At which point the dizziness was too much to bear, and I toppled over, spilling the meat sauce all over her dress.

I woke up next morning, with my trousers round my knees, in the boys room in the White House.

That's all I remember - politician's honour.

So if I can't remember doin' no wrong, I can't be expected to apologise for it.

Read my lips - No White Wash at the White House.


As time is tight, I'll take just one question - Have you taken the truth drug before this speech?.

(Grins) Yes, my wife made me - ...I smoked it but I didn't inhale.

Ó Clint Bilton, 1998